Dear Jean Bisniak,

I have been a customer of your lingerie line for many years.  From the high-waisted full-coverage of the eighties to the micro-thong of the late nineties, to the low-rider boy-shorts of today, I’ve been with you all the way.  I even had a pair of circa 1995 Rios – not a lot of people can say that!  Over the years I’ve been highly satisfied with the quality of your product, and I’ve encouraged friends to support your store as well.

However, I recently had a tragic underwear malfunction which is changing my opinion of Bizniz Intimates.  I don’t know if you were asleep at the wheel, or if you intentionally pimped out inferior undergarments to the public, but the fact remains: the elastic in that thong was woefully inadequate.

I am referring to model #867114R, which is a thong with a picture of George W. Bush making a monkey face, saying, “Give Me Your Banana.”  My boyfriend purchased said thong from your store as a gag gift to me.  In the box?  Hilarious.  In the bedroom?  A little unnerving, perhaps, but still funny.  On the floor of my place of employment?  Disastrous.

I work as a waitress at a German restaurant.  On Friday night, in the middle of happy hour, I was bustling over to my table, arms balancing a tray of massive steins, when I felt the faintest slip of fabric.  Little did I know that I was facing a total elastic shutdown.  Before I realized what was happening, George Bush was around my ankles, and I was lying bare-assed on the floor covered in ten pints of beer. 

I don’t know if I lost my job because I refused to replace what turned out to be very expensive steins, or because I flashed the entire restaurant, or because my boss is now convinced that I’m a Republican, but the end result is the same.  Your underwear ruined my life.

I am enclosing the thong in the hopes that you will give me proper compensation for the financial hardship and emotional anguish I have endured.  If that “compensation” comes in the form of underwear, so be it.  But please, no thongs.  It’s too traumatic.

Yours sincerely,

Jen Kearney