It has been my privilege getting to know you each morning as I walk to work. You have so very many important jobs to do – removing garbage, constructing buildings, driving in souped-up cars, leaving the halfway house for the day – and you all have something to say to me.
I’m sure it will please you to know that I am quite satisfied with my anatomy, so there is no more need for you to try to boost my self-confidence by complimenting my “rack” or my “ass”, which, while admittedly well-proportioned, is not trying to be the center of your attention.
In addition, I would like to note that while my boyfriend is a slim, erudite, and well-dressed vegan, he is not actually a “faggot” or an “ass-monkey.” Really! You’re just going to have to take my word for it. I know him a lot better than you do, and trust me, he loves the ladies, if you know what I mean.
Also, as flattering as it is to hear that you would like me to “suck it,” “take it all off,” or “marry” you, in addition to my current boyfriend, I have a long list of potential suitors, close male friends, and attractive acquaintances who I did not meet at the side of the road. I urge you not to wait for me, as the list of people I would sooner date than you grows exponentially, and you clearly have needs I alone am unable to fulfill.
A number of you have taken to calling me “snow bunny,” which I admit was a new one on me. I looked it up in urbandictionary.com. There are several accepted definitions, and I struggle to choose the one that could possibly apply to me. I am going to assume that you have not mistaken me for a “poser snowboard girl,” as our encounters take place about 100 miles from the nearest slopes. Perhaps you were announcing that I am a “stuck-up, preppy white girl” – I could accept that definition if it wasn’t said in such a lecherous and hopeful tone. If you were insinuating that I am a “female who loves to have sex for free cocaine,” then I must inform you that you are gravely mistaken. The only reasonable assumption I can make is that by “snow bunny” you meant “the white girlfriend in an interracial couple.” Sirs, I appreciate your ardor, but I wouldn’t sleep with someone who catcalled me at the side of the road if the world was about to end and we were the only ones stuck behind a police barricade.