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Dear Sirs,

 

It has been my privilege getting to know you each morning as I walk to work.  You have so very many important jobs to do – removing garbage, constructing buildings, driving in souped-up cars, leaving the halfway house for the day – and you all have something to say to me. 

 

I’m sure it will please you to know that I am quite satisfied with my anatomy, so there is no more need for you to try to boost my self-confidence by complimenting my “rack” or my “ass”, which, while admittedly well-proportioned, is not trying to be the center of your attention. 

 

In addition, I would like to note that while my boyfriend is a slim, erudite, and well-dressed vegan, he is not actually a “faggot” or an “ass-monkey.”  Really!  You’re just going to have to take my word for it.  I know him a lot better than you do, and trust me, he loves the ladies, if you know what I mean.

 

Also, as flattering as it is to hear that you would like me to “suck it,” “take it all off,” or “marry” you, in addition to my current boyfriend, I have a long list of potential suitors, close male friends, and attractive acquaintances who I did not meet at the side of the road.  I urge you not to wait for me, as the list of people I would sooner date than you grows exponentially, and you clearly have needs I alone am unable to fulfill.

 

A number of you have taken to calling me “snow bunny,” which I admit was a new one on me.  I looked it up in urbandictionary.com.  There are several accepted definitions, and I struggle to choose the one that could possibly apply to me.  I am going to assume that you have not mistaken me for a “poser snowboard girl,” as our encounters take place about 100 miles from the nearest slopes.  Perhaps you were announcing that I am a “stuck-up, preppy white girl” – I could accept that definition if it wasn’t said in such a lecherous and hopeful tone.  If you were insinuating that I am a “female who loves to have sex for free cocaine,” then I must inform you that you are gravely mistaken.  The only reasonable assumption I can make is that by “snow bunny” you meant “the white girlfriend in an interracial couple.”  Sirs, I appreciate your ardor, but I wouldn’t sleep with someone who catcalled me at the side of the road if the world was about to end and we were the only ones stuck behind a police barricade.

 

Yours sincerely,

Victoria Becker