Dear Anthony Torrence,
I have been collecting Smurf memorabilia for a great many years, and believe me, I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the merchandise. I recently purchased Gargamel’s Castle for $225 on your online auction. You advertised a “rare” item in “mint” condition. Therefore, you might understand my dismay when I discovered that you had sent me a counterfeit item.
Inside an authentic box I found a shoddily made replica that bore a slight resemblance to the cover. Rather than the two Gargamel figurines you advertised – one stirring a potion, one sitting and planning dastardly schemes – I found one of Gargamel running from danger, and a Mickey Mouse figurine from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. The Azrael figure looked as though it had melted in the casting process. And Gargamel’s spell book and stand? Nowhere to be found.
Needless to say, this isn’t very smurfy of you, and that is a smurfing lot of money. I am requesting a full refund, and if I do not hear from you in the reasonable period of five smurfs, I am going to come to your house, cut a smurf in your smurf, tear your smurf out with my bare smurfs, and smurf it as a bong.
Have a smurfy day!