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There's something wrong with your monkey

Dear Mariko Suzuki,

I regret to inform you that Marimbo Monkeypants, the spider monkey my wife and I rented from your business, was defective.

My daughter loves monkeys and we were thrilled to make her birthday wish come true.  We read all of your literature, and when the trainer arrived, we had a platter of vegetables for the children at the party to feed Marimbo.  However, the trainer appeared visibly stoned and after returning from a cigarette break, she began pelting Marimbo with donut holes.  The trainer and the children thought this was hilarious.  But Marimbo underwent a horrifying transformation. 

At first my daughter was thrilled when he began swinging from the chandelier, but her love affair with monkeys ended when Marimbo began tearing open her presents and racing through the house emptying and stomping the contents of drawers and cabinets.  The sounds of children wailing only enraged him further and he began flinging his feces at her young friends.  At this point my wife and I were distracted between calming children and trying to contain the monkey. 

The fact that during this chaos the trainer passed out in a barkalounger, I’m afraid can only be attributed to a massive substance abuse problem, or barring that, acute narcolepsy.  During her impenetrable sleep, and before we could remove the children, Marimbo Monkeypants stripped her from the waist up and began to commit erotic acts that beggar description. 

My wife and I were not planning to explain the facts of life for some time.  Instead we were forced to interpret an act of reverse bestiality to half a kindergarten class on what should have been the happiest day of our daughter’s young life.

We are hoping that we will not have to resort to legal action, but our lawyer is encouraging us to seek a class action suit for ourselves and the traumatized families.  We would be willing to settle out of court for damages and the cost of what will likely be years of therapy.

Michael Martin